Snowy Sentiments
by Synthesis Landale
Summary: *light yaoi* After the events of Shadow Moses, Snake and Otacon both face their respective agonies together.


Snowy Sentiments  
  
Solid Snake looked back at Shadow Moses Island. He had been victorious; he was a hero, supposedly, having saved the world from a nuclear strike by terrorists.  
  
Yet he wasn't happy.  
  
Snake admitted to himself some of the awful decisions he had made during the mission. One such fatal error had cost Meryl her life. Through his own weaknesses, he had sacrificed her life to keep himself alive. He didn't believe in heaven, but he hoped that she was smiling, somewhere. In the end, it was her sacrifice that saved the world, not him.  
  
Snake sighed internally. One thing he had learned: never show your emotions outwardly. Otacon was on the back of the snow sled, and Snake didn't want to show him how he was feeling right now. He shut it all off by pretending it had never happened; that it was all just a dream, and continued through the barren snow plains, as cold as his heart looked from the outside.  
  
Otacon sat silently, watching Snake inwardly thinking. He had been with him long enough to know that something was troubling him, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to determine what. He'd lost too, though he wondered if his thing for Sniper Wolf had just been a longing for company, a longing to be loved. Maybe he'd fall for anyone if they were kind enough to him. He sighed, he was weak and he hated himself. He wanted to hide away in a place where nobody would find him. Yet Snake. Dave was also feeling pain. The indestructible soldier had many feelings hidden beneath the surface. Otacon had known this from the moment he met Snake, but through the mission, he had learned so much more. Now it was over, life had to go on. He wondered to himself what kind of life Snake led when he wasn't fighting, wondered what really went on in the mind of the man behind the legend. Yet none of this mattered now. In a few hours, Snake and him would be parting ways, and they would probably never meet again.  
  
Otacon couldn't help but feel a little sad about this. Through life and death, love and hate, tears and victory, Snake had been there. They were bound by dependence, they needed each other, but now, Otacon was useless again, needed by nobody.  
  
Snake and Otacon drove the sled into the sunset, leaving the pain of their respective losses behind them on Shadow Moses Island forever.  
  
Snake finally arrived home. He'd brought Otacon with him for now; he decided he could really do with the company for a while. Besides, he thought, they really needed to lie low for a while, they didn't know if anyone had survived Shadow Moses.  
  
He didn't know why he'd bothered to protect the weedy scientist, but he had shown a strength of loyalty more than any he'd seen in a long time. Despite his fears, he had helped Snake, and Snake realised he really didn't mind his company during the difficult stages of coming down from battle, and the awful feelings of the drugs wearing off. Right now, he also wanted a friend, so he didn't feel the absence of Meryl and the colonel.  
  
Otacon wowed as he entered Snake's log cabin as though it were some palace. Snake just shrugged. It may have been big, but there was nothing here but him and nature.  
  
"No chance of you building another nuclear weapon here, huh?" Snake said rather bitterly. He hadn't meant to say it that way, but he could feel the exhaustion coming over him, and it was making him edgy.  
  
Otacon looked down at the floor and stood in silence. Snake was right, it was all his fault. All the lives that had been lost because of Metal Gear Rex were on his head, and that was something he would have to live with for the rest of his life. Those voices would scream in his dreams. It was because of him that Snake wasn't with Meryl now. He was a failure as a scientist, and as a person.  
  
Snake saw the effect that his words had had on Otacon, and felt guilty. He was pushing all his guilt and shame onto him so he didn't have to face it himself. He started to apologize, but felt stupid and just slipped away to rest, leaving Otacon standing there looking at his feet, wondering why he was still alive.  
  
Snake woke in a sweat. He had dreamed that Metal Gear had killed everybody; he'd seen Otacon trampled beneath Rex's feet, just like Grey Fox had been. He put his head in his hands. Nobody knew the emotional scars that always haunted him from a mission. The screams of death echoed in his ears still, never ceasing, the souls of all those he had killed, directly or indirectly, hunted him forever, never letting him have any peace.  
  
He wanted to check on Otacon, but didn't want to disturb him. He'd been through a lot too, and after what he'd said earlier, Snake felt like an idiot in front of him.  
  
Then something caught his sharp senses. Screaming. Snake dived out of bed, his adrenalin pumping. He landed silently on his feet, engaging his sneaking skills automatically; it was second nature to him. He slunk into the main room where Otacon was sleeping without a single sound.  
  
Otacon was screaming loudly, he was sweating and flailing his arms out in his nightmares, screaming out words incoherently in terror. Snake was mesmerized, he'd never really had to deal with anything like this before, he didn't know what he should do. In the end, he snuck up to Otacon and shook him gently, waking him while trying not to scare him anymore.  
  
Otacon woke and sat up sharply, sweat dripping from his forehead. He was shaking like a leaf; his eyes were wide in terror. Snake lit a candle and returned to Otacon's side.  
  
"Hal. What happened?" Snake said in a concerned tone. The look on Otacon's face was one of sheer terror. He didn't notice that Snake had used his real name.  
  
Snake didn't know what to say to Otacon. He too, was suffering the same. Yet Snake felt that he deserved to have nightmares, whereas Otacon had killed no one, done nothing wrong but be a good, loyal friend to Snake and help him through his mission. In fact, without Otacon's assistance, Snake realised that he would have been unable to destroy Metal Gear Rex. Yet this fragile figure beneath him was being torn apart. Snake put his hands on Otacon's shoulders reassuringly. Otacon began to stop shaking. He felt comforted by Snake's protective figure close to him. If only he never had to leave.  
  
Otacon finally managed to speak. "I. I had a nightmare that you were killed instead of Meryl, and. Then he suddenly realised what the dream had been: he had been holding the dead Snake in his arms and crying over his loss, like Snake cried for Meryl, the death of the one he loved.  
  
Snake closed his eyes, remembering his own dream. "I think we should leave our memories behind on Shadow Moses," he said, "Otherwise, they'll just destroy us. We did the best we could. We stopped those damn terrorists launching a nuke. We suffered many losses, but we managed it." Snake looked at Hal. He seemed to have composed himself now.  
  
Snake, having nothing else to say, wordlessly made his way back to his room, to encounter the same demons he'd just left. Otacon lie there awake, pondering the dream.  
  
"What does it all mean?" he thought to himself.  
  
Snake looked at the horizon as the sun began to rise and shine its golden beams across the land. Another day in the world they had saved, he thought to himself. A world of natural beauty, but human terror. He loved nature, because it never turned on him, never betrayed him. His dogs were the most loyal friends anybody could ever have.  
  
Otacon saw Snake looking at the sunrise, his shadow just a silhouette against the bright light. Otacon was looking at a hero, he realised, yet in reality he was just a man, with feelings below that solid shell. On the battlefield, he was Snake, but in reality, he was Dave. Otacon couldn't help but stare at him romantically watching the sunrise, admiring the new day. He knew that he shouldn't be here, staring into Snake's heart like this, but he was captivated by what he saw, and what he had seen the previous night, and at the end of the mission: Snake's sensitive side.  
  
Otacon remembered the day he met Snake. The day that cyborg ninja attacked. He'd made a fool of himself by pissing his pants in front of the famous Solid Snake. Yet Snake seemed to have forgotten that, and while he had sometimes been harsh to Otacon, he had also been good to him, too. Otacon wished he'd been able to free Snake instead of hearing his dreadful cries from the torture room and doing nothing as Ocelot got his sadistic pleasure from hurting Snake. That bastard, Otacon thought. He felt so angry. Why do I feel this way? He questioned. He was so confused; the last few days had taken such a toll on him, he didn't know what to think or feel. Snake had been his only lifeline in a world of fear. Wasn't it only natural to feel some kind of bond to him after what they had been through together? He shook his head. Nothing made sense anymore.  
  
Snake could feel a pair of eyes boring into his back. He looked from the corner of his eye without showing the person he knew of their presence. It was Otacon. Snake was slightly embarrassed to have been caught staring at the sunrise as if for the first time, like some rookie who'd never been on a mission before. There was no space to be sentimental on the battlefield, so he had to learn to cut this part away from real life, too, at least, he felt he should have, but he hadn't. He still had just as many feelings as the average person, he still felt sick every time he took a life, he still took the odd moment to remind himself he was still human sometimes. But he hated to be seen doing it. Snake felt it was almost a sign of weakness. How he longed to be himself, but there was no place for that in this bitter world. There was nobody who he could open up to and love.  
  
"Do you believe that love can bloom, even on a battlefield?" Otacon's words still echoed in Snake's mind. Hal Emmerich was a lonely spirit, just like him. He had loved and lost, they had loved and lost together. Snake shook his head firmly to shake away his next line of thought. What the hell am I thinking? Otacon is.  
  
Otacon's eyes were firmly closed, as if he were in some silent prayer that was spoken deep within his heart, and to himself only. Snake just wanted to walk away, go feed his dogs, go hunting in the middle of nowhere, but he felt frozen to the spot. Looking at Otacon's face calmed him, because he saw there a reflection of his own self. A longing to be loved so deeply that it left a hollow in one's heart, a hollow only another being could fill.  
  
Snake shook his head again fearfully. He'd faced enemy after enemy, some had him close to death, bleeding, wondering if he would die, Ocelot had him on the torture machine, but none of that was as painful and confusing as what was surfacing in his mind. He liked other men? And on top of that, a weedy. no, gentle, scientist? He thought he was going crazy. He'd always liked women, but he'd never been able to really get close to anybody. He was in the military. He could die on a mission. He didn't want attachments, and yet, he found himself having the human longing that all people had, to be made complete by the company, love and affection of another. One who understood the pains of the battlefield. He realised that, gender aside, there was only one person who could ever fill that criteria now Meryl was gone.  
  
Stupid. he thought. I barely lost one, and now I'm running after somebody else? This isn't right. Otacon. He'd never like me. He likes women, he liked Wolf. And the pain of Meryl's death was still in his own heart, even if it felt somewhat distant and in another world now, it was still there.  
  
Otacon didn't know what Snake was thinking, but right now, he decided, he just wanted to be close to him. To talk to him, about anything. To break that shell a little and get to know Dave, and Dave get to know him. He stepped forward a little wearily, but seeing Snake wasn't reacting, he moved closer and closer until he was standing beside Snake, looking across the snowfields at the beautiful sunrise.  
  
"You know," Snake said, "You can see a million sunrises, but the next one is always better than the last."  
  
Otacon looked at him quizzically, not expecting Snake to say something like that out of the blue.  
  
"What do you mean?" Otacon asked. He was testing the waters, wanted to see if Snake had any hidden meanings behind saying that. He almost laughed at himself for his stupidity. Snake likes women, you idiot.  
  
"I mean," Snake said nervously, "that tomorrow is always better than today, because you can do new things, see new places, and. feel new things. Things you'd never expect to feel." He almost kicked himself. He was a dead giveaway.  
  
"You mean that while yesterday still hurts, you can't go back there, so you should concentrate on the beauty that tomorrow brings?" Otacon asked, "Even if that future brings uncertainty and fear?"  
  
"Yeah," Snake said, "Yeah, something like that." Inside he was quivering crazily, though he didn't show a single sign of it on the outside. He couldn't tell him, he just couldn't. He may never see him again if he did. And what if it was just the after-effects of the drugs messing with his brain? He didn't want to cause trouble.  
  
"Dave," Otacon said, "I want to seize tomorrow. I also. don't want to do it alone."  
  
Snake knew it had to be the drugs. This all had to be some dumb hallucination or some freaky come down effect that was making him jump to conclusions, because surely there was no way that Otacon would feel the same way.  
  
"You. won't be alone. I mean, you always have me." Snake said. He felt so stupid for saying it, and just wanted to walk away, get as far away as he could, he was scared that Hal was going to hate him, or laugh at him, or.  
  
Otacon couldn't hold it back any longer, the longing to hold and be held was overwhelming after what they had been through, and Snake looked so beautiful in the morning sun. The thin scientist leaned forward, his heart beating faster with every inch he moved closer to Snake. Then he realised, Snake was moving towards him too! They moved in and could feel each other's warm breath in the cold morning, wanting, yearning for each other. Their lips brushed nervously, and then Snake opened his mouth and started to kiss Otacon. Otacon kissed back, and started to feel dizzy from the pleasure. He was surely dreaming. They kissed more and more passionately, and then their hands started to roam each other, with feelings long hidden beneath the surface. They moaned into each other's mouths, savouring every second of the kiss, not wanting this moment to end. Reality held only death and despair, loss and sorrow, but this dream held everything they ever wanted.  
  
Finally, they had to pull away for air, but Snake held Otacon closely, stroking his hair as Otacon rested his head on Snake's shoulder.  
  
"Dave," he said, "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Hal," Snake said, and they held each other until long after dawn had fully illuminated the beautiful world they had saved. 


End file.
